We're invited to a party! What should I wear? Is it a celebration, a dinner, or a casual get-together? Who else is coming? Should I bring a gift? 

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Everyone wants to know what to expect, and children are no different. Knowing what is expected of them makes children feel self confident. Not knowing stirs up feelings of insecurity or even fear that can morph into anger. That's why it is important for parents and teachers to set clear guidelines. Have you ever had the experience of someone you care about unexpectedly yelling at you? How did you feel? Kids who don't understand the rules get yelled at the most. 

 

Children automatically want to please the most important people in their lives - Mommy, Daddy, grandparents and teachers - but they need to know what is expected of them. This takes thought, planning and consistency on the part of the adults. When we aren't clear ourselves about what we expect of our kids or students, trouble begins.

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Talk to your kids about what you expect of them before going into new situations. Am I expected to be quiet when someone is sleeping? What am I expected to do when we visit other people's homes?

Do I follow the same rules at Grandma's house? Am I allowed to interrupt when Mommy is speaking to another adult and, if so, how am I supposed to do it?

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At school, teachers who set the clearest expectations have the best classroom discipline.  One student told me that her favorite teacher laughs with the students at the beginning of the lesson. Then she says, "Ok, I laughed with you, now you will learn quietly with me". The kids live up to her expectations of them. Of course, sitting quietly for long periods of time is not possible for every child and the classroom routine should vary between active and passive learning; but, whatever the routine, students will feel comfortable and happy if they know ahead of time what's coming and what is expected of them. 

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Children feel safe when the rules are clear and they know which boundaries cannot be crossed. When children know the rules, they expect a consequence if they slip up, and actually feel relief when it is carried out!  One man told me that as a child, his mother never raised her voice - her disappointment that he had not lived up to her expectations was punishment enough. She expected him to be good, and was surprised when he wasn't.

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It's amazing how having high expectations works so much better than having low expectations. If your child overhears someone say that he is a slow learner, he will internalize this, even if it is not true. The child who hears what a big help he is to his mom will feel a sense of pride that may inspire him to be even more helpful. Don't underestimate your kids! They hear your every word, watch your every move and imitate your behavior. You are their role model and they read your mind to know what is expected of them. 

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At the same time, expectations must be age appropriate. Sometimes we have to give up certain expectations until the child is developmentally ready. Remember that not all children develop at the same rate.

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Having high but age appropriate expectations and setting clear guidelines helps kids to develop self-confidence, creating a peaceful and orderly environment in which children thrive.

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